Thoughts on My New Body

I gained 60+ pounds last year. And not in a cute hourglass shape-no stretch marks-still a size 4 kind of way. In an avoided covid-big belly-flat ass kind of way. I got a wholeeee new body. This new body taught me a lot of things. 

It taught me how much fatphobia I had internalized and participated in. It taught me that I still wasn’t actually all that big. Oddly enough, I think my perception of my body might be smaller than it actually is. 

After spending the majority of my life obsessing over my size and the food I ate, I realized that I had way fucking more time in my life when I let go. I mean, I still have plenty of days where I revert to my old ways and I mourn the body I used to have.

I had always assumed I was incapable of being beautiful and attracting someone. That I couldn’t be an object of romantic or sexual desire. That somehow I was less worthy of love and adoration. How absolutely fucked is that? 

I can say with 10000% certainty that size has nothing to do with being deserving of love. Fat people are just as (if not more) sexy and brilliant and funny as thin people. And when I was telling my thin body it was unworthy of love, it meant I was also telling fat bodies they were unworthy of love. 

Bull SHIT. 

After taking time to unlearn fat phobia and embrace intuitive eating, I realized that I was actually kind of hot. Okay, pretty hot. I realized that confidence is really what is sexy. I know people say that all the time, but it turns out it's true. Once I realized truly and completely that the size of a person means absolutely nothing, I discovered I was kind of hot shit. 

Now I am not going to sit here and tell you all I had a line down my street of people waiting to court me, but my experience with sex and dating improved astronomically. Physical vulnerability and communication with a partner isn’t possible when you’ve given yourself a narrative about what your body means. This last year I was able to feel comfortable in my own skin at a whole new level. 

What I am saying is, you don’t have to be thin to realize how great you are. Your life isn’t going to finally start once you lose those pounds. My life started when I gained them.